Learning the Wrong Lessons

I never wanted to have kids. Back when I was growing up in the 1950s and 1960s, I was told there was something wrong with me, but these days, I seem to be part of a growing trend. Depending on which survey you look at, as many as 30% of those surveyed say they doubt they'll ever have kids, and they're absolutely okay with that decision. But like many folks in the US, I married someone with kids from a previous marriage, and I became a step-mom. I don't know if I was any good at it, although I tried my best. If I'm honest with myself, there were probably things I could have done better, although in fairness, my step-kids were in their teens when I first met them, and I quickly got the impression that they weren't terribly thrilled about dad remarrying. So, I tried to be somewhere between a mentor and an auntie to them, not knowing what else to do, but it was frequently an awkward situation for all of us. (Perhaps some of you step-parents know what I'm talking about!)

But if being a step-parent in the 1980s was challenging, imagine what it's like today. In fact, imagine what it's like to be any kind of parental figure today. Kids are being raised in an era where increasingly, the major influences in their lives are not parents or teachers, but rather, celebrities, athletes, social media influencers, and podcasters. Kids are so attached to their devices that we've all seen groups of them sitting in a room together but not paying attention to each other at all, because they are glued to what's on their screen. (A friend of mine tells the story of taking her daughter and a friend on a skiing trip, but instead of going outside, the kids sat in the cabin, focused on their devices...)   

And there's lots of research to show that social media companies know how to purposefully manipulate algorithms to give kids more stuff that will "increase engagement"-- to keep them online longer, by giving them various versions of celebrity-focused clickbait, or by showing them stories that will outrage or scare them, or by offering them magic cures for all kinds of problems. Some of these cures are harmless, but some can be dangerous. And no matter how often parents might try to monitor their kids' social media usage, sooner or later, the kids will find a way around any efforts to control what they see. 

And then, there's what they hear. Let's talk about politics. Okay fine, most young kids couldn't care less about politics. But some teens definitely do, and I worry about the message they just got from the most recent election. At the risk of having my Republican friends accuse me of being partisan, the GOP candidate, Mr Trump (who was my landlord when I lived in New York, and I am all too familiar with him), has campaigned in a way that would have horrified the folks from my parents' generation. My father, rest his soul, leaned conservative, and he knew all the 4-letter words, believe me. But he would have been appalled by the idea of a candidate repeatedly cursing during a public speech, or talking about someone's genitalia, or simulating oral sex with a microphone, or using racist and sexist slurs to describe his opponent. But the Trump rally audiences loved it. They applauded and cheered when he said these things. My parents would have been mystified by that too.

And let's talk about ethics. I am a former chaplain, and while I am by no means perfect (far from it), I try to follow the Commandments as best I can. But so many politicians today have not only been married and divorced (in some cases, two or three times), but they have cheated on their spouse and paid no political price whatsoever. Mr Trump himself, and several of the folks he intends to nominate, have had somewhat questionable personal lives. But it seems the rule now is "If they're on our team, we defend them no matter what." Sorry, but that's a problem for me. Call me old-fashioned, but if you're the kind of person who doesn't keep your marriage vows, what other vows are you willing to break? And what kind of a role model are you for the next generation? And don't even get me started on the message that was sent by the January 6, 2021 insurrection: Might makes right, and if our side doesn't win, we'll react violently. Doesn't seem like how I would want my step-kids to act, but maybe that's just me.

So, in a world where vulgarity, violence, and vitriol have been normalized, and doing the right thing seems like a relic of a bygone era for some folks, I worry about what comes next. Way back in 2001, comedian Steve Allen wrote a book-- a screed, actually-- in which he railed at the popular culture and blamed it for all sorts of things. It was called "Vulgarians at the Gate." I wonder how he would feel about what our culture has normalized, about the millions who voted for, and praised, a vulgarian; and who are fine about his behaviors because he's on "our side." But is he? Do you really want your kids to act the way he does? Do you really want the culture to model itself after some angry podcaster or some YouTube influencer? I'm not talking about being the Language Police. I'm not talking about banning words. I'm talking about an attitude I see taking over-- an attitude of cruelty and rudeness, that elevates being crude as long as it "owns the libs." As I said, I'm glad my step-kids are grown. But today's parents have a lot to grapple with, as they deal with the fallout from what just happened in the election. Do positive role models no longer matter as long as "our side" wins? So, tell me: how are you explaining all of this to your kids?