When I was working at WMMS in Cleveland, I fell in love with a guy who was a record promoter. He was charming, a good conversationalist, and we had a lot of interests in common. Unfortunately for me, he worked in New York, in that era before the internet, before Zoom, and even before cheap long distance telephone calls. So, we were only able to call each other a few times a week; we also kept in touch by letter (I still remember hurrying to the post office to get a letter into the mail-- there was a midnight pick-up back then, and if you were lucky, your letter would get to New York in only two days). Needless to say, I was delighted when I got a new job in New York in mid-1975: it paid more money than I made at WMMS, but it also meant I could be near the guy I cared about.
What I didn't know was that he was an alcoholic. Yes, he had told me he used to drink, but he also told me that he didn't do it much anymore, and once we were together, he wouldn't do it at all. None of this was true, as I found out the hard way. Today, I understand that alcoholism, like drug addiction, is a disease, and it's a disease of denial: few people who have it want to admit it, and so they claim they can stop at any time. Or they insist they have good reasons for doing it-- they only do it when they get lonely; or they do it because hate their job; or they do it because everyone else is doing it and they don't want to stand out. There's always some excuse, but it's never their fault. And when the addict or alcoholic makes one more promise they can't keep, or tells one more lie, or disappoints you one more time, or tells you it's somehow your fault, it's often the family members or the romantic partner who have to deal with the emotional damage.
I can't tell you how many times he promised to change. And he did quit drinking for a while. But being with him was a roller coaster ride: some days, it was amazing, some days it was frightening, and I never knew which it would be. At its best, we had a lot of fun together-- we went to concerts, restaurants, movies, even Wrestlemania. But at its worst, it was like walking on egg shells. Something would set him off and he'd start blaming me for every problem in his life (and threatening to drink, which, of course, he said would be my fault too). I was unfamiliar with much of this. I don't drink or smoke or do drugs. I loved him, but the mood swings frightened me, and I worried that he really would go back to drinking.
So, I began to attend Al-Anon (one of the best moves I ever made, because I learned the "3 Cs": you didn't cause his disease, you can't cure his disease, you can't control his disease. In other words, no matter what he says, his commitment to his sobriety is up to him. If he's not ready, you can't make him quit. And if he chooses not to get treatment, you are not to blame). Eventually, I realized that as much as I loved him, I couldn't continue: all the drama was putting my own health in jeopardy. Ending the relationship was the hardest thing I ever did. And despite the ups and downs, I still loved him for a long time afterwards. Eventually, I made peace with my decision, and looking back on it, I know I did the right thing.
What brought all this to mind was the online reaction I saw to Hunter Biden's legal troubles. No, this is not a defense of Hunter, nor is any of this partisan, because that's my point: addiction to drugs or alcohol isn't partisan. It can strike Democrats, Republicans, or Independents-- and it does. Some folks were mocking Hunter and saying he should have just quit doing drugs. Agreed. And my ex-boyfriend should have quit drinking. But as I said, it's a disease: it's a compulsion, not a lifestyle choice. Those who have it often wish they could stop, but they can't. They deny, they make excuses, they feel guilty, they apologize, that's all part of their illness. If they get treatment and commit to staying clean, they can turn their life around. Hunter says he has done that, and I hope he's telling the truth. I know many people who have not made that commitment, and the people who love them are desperate to see them make better choices.
Based on the reactions I've been seeing over the past week, a lot of folks still have misconceptions about addiction; they seem to think all the addict needs is willpower; or they think of addiction like some weakness or defect. It's not. It's a disease, and it requires a commitment, and a plan, to get better. Meanwhile, if you are reading this and nodding because you are in a relationship with someone who is addicted to drugs or alcohol, please know that it is NOT your fault. If possible, get some support for yourself, whether through therapy or Al-Anon or some other self-help group with a good track record. In the end, your story may have a happy ending; but then, you may have to walk away, in order to preserve your own health. That's a hard lesson to learn, but it's an important one: sometimes, it's best to focus on your own well-being, and not spend your time trying to rescue the person you love.
This is wisdom, people. Read and learn. Much the same can be said about human struggles such as mental illness, which is similarly freighted: lots of denial and lack of enough courage by those who suffer; a nasty stigma; and widespread misunderstanding by those not familiar. There's nothing like good ol' life experience to learn the truth of such complex difficulties. Great post!
ReplyDeleteHaving come from two alcoholic parents, I am glad to say I resisted this disease -- chiefly because I was only a weekend warrior and I quit due to medical reasons when I was in my late thirties. But speaking as a former college musician, I have noted alcoholism's frequency among players I've known as well as those I've admired from afar. When coupled with drug addictions, even so-called "recreational" use, it has affected creativity as well as personal relationships in a highly-charged professional world.
ReplyDeleteI do want to say that there have been some personal success stories out there, thanks to AA and other groups. I want to bring up three instances with which I'm acquainted with as a music fan as well as a correspondent on social media / websites. One of them is Michael Des Barres, best known as the singer who took Robert Palmer's Power Station spot at Live Aid. Then there's John Wetton, the famous bassist - vocalist for King Crimson, U.K., and ASIA. Finally, there's Mike Sadler, frontman for Canada's one and only Saga -- a symphonic rock band that enjoys as much popularity in Germany as Rush does in the United States.
Michael Des Barres's story is best told by his own documentary, "Who Do You Want Me To Be," which talks about his troubled childhood and his budding career as a singer-cum-actor. Fans may remember Michael from '70s bands Silverhead and Detective, but I'm more familiar with his TV role as the maniacal Murdoc in "MacGyver." He attributes his 1983 decision to go sober with his prosperous career, which is still ongoing as he approaches 80.
Throughout his career, John Wetton struggled with alcoholism, which came to a head in 1983. John was pushed out of ASIA at the height of their popularity. He would come back later, but his drinking problem would continually harm his relationships. In 2005, alcohol nearly claimed John's life but for the help of Annie Haslam, who checked him into rehab. From there, John became an AA participant and a sponsor. He would enjoy ten years of sobriety before cancer claimed him, making some of ASIA's best music with a reunited lineup and healing fractured friendships.
Michael (Mike) Sadler has been sober for nearly two decades, thanks to his resolve and his loving family. He has also spoken about unresolved relationship issues from his youth. He is still touring with Saga and released a solo album, Clear (2006) which expressed his state of mind when he stopped drinking. Now approaching 70, Mike (who lives in the U.S. now) has also been a public advocate for helping others to stop abusing alcohol.
I take inspiration from these men and their struggles. In each case, they overcame (with difficulty) one of the most ruinous habits in human history. But for every success, there are sad stories as well. Donna has shared hers with us, but I thought instead of reliving my own parents' darkness, I should remind everyone who visits here that the light sometimes wins.
Alcoholism is a ubiquitous disease that will latch on to anyone anywhere at anytime. People need to learn from a very early age to look out for any addictive characteristics that they may possess and to live accordingly with a strong resolve to avoid falling in to the same trap.
ReplyDeleteAs the child of an alcoholic father who was also a diabetic, I know the toll that alcohol addiction can take. Addiction is something that you can't control in other people. Indeed, as you indicated, only someone who is facing an addiction can choose to take steps to face those problems.
ReplyDeleteFor myself, I very seldom drink and approach each drink with caution. I have never wanted to drink to the point of being drunk, but there is a shadow over me. I find it is harder for me than for many others to trust and rely on others. Also, I tend to be a bit of a workaholic - perhaps having guilt that my father was not always able to provide well for my family.
However, there is help out there. One thing that we forget is that we do not need to face hardships alone. May we remember this and help those we care about to remember this as well. There is always help out there and there is always hope for a better tomorrow.