The Power of Doing a Mitzvah

A couple of weeks ago, a former student of mine got in touch. I hadn't heard from him in about 20 years, but evidently something caused him to think of me, and he decided to reach out. Basically, he wanted to thank me for what he learned in my media classes, and he told me that even now, he often uses what I taught him. To be honest, I never knew that my courses had left such a lasting impression. If you've ever been an educator, you know that every day, you try to be a source of credible information for your students. You try to motivate them, to encourage them, and to inspire them. But you don't always know how much they retained, or how things turned out for them after they graduated. So, it was gratifying to hear that I had made a difference for this student.

I know that for some people, teaching is just another job. But for some of us, it's more than that: it's  almost like a calling. You'll never get rich doing it, but there are so many opportunities to be a positive influence. I also think of teaching as another way I can do a mitzvah. Perhaps you are familiar with the word. A mitzvah is often (badly) translated as a "good deed." But it means a lot more than that. It's really about a positive action that makes the world better in some way. You don't do a mitzvah for the result-- you do it because it's the right thing to do. For example, on many occasions, I've tutored students who were struggling; some appreciated it and told me so, and some didn't even say thank you. But it was still a mitzvah to help them, and I'm glad I made the effort.

Anyone can do a mitzvah-- you don't have to be Jewish. You don't even have to be religious, since it's about doing, rather than believing. Of course, for some of us, doing a mitzvah does have a religious component: there are some things I am supposed to do because they are part of my religion. But others are things that anyone can do: for example, anyone can take the time to show compassion to someone going through a difficult time, or visit someone who is ill, or help someone who is in need. The possibilities are endless, and each time someone does one of these things, it puts a little more kindness into the world. And wouldn't you agree that this world could use a little more kindness? 

When people ask me for advice, as they sometimes do, I often tell them that each day, they should find their mitzvah. Find the good thing they can do that day to help to make the world a better place. That's why I do volunteer work. That's why I mentor students. That's why I try to be courteous on social media. It's all about doing a mitzvah whenever I can. I don't know what your mitzvah is, but I invite you to find it and do it. You may not get immediate praise--you may not get any praise at all. But it's not about the praise; it's about doing the right thing, and trying to make a difference... one mitzvah at a time.

In Praise of Childless Cat Ladies

Let me first set the record straight: I do not have a cat. In fact, I'm allergic to cats. Also dogs. Some of my friends have pets, but they kindly keep their pets away from me so that I won't break out in a rash. That said, let's get to the matter at hand: yes, it's true, I am childless. Well, actually it's not entirely true: when my husband and I got married, he had two kids from his first marriage. So, I became a step-mom. I don't know if I did a good job of it. It was an unexpected situation for me, and I'm sure I made my share of mistakes. But I tried my best, and I'm glad my step-daughters are living their best lives. That's all I ever wished for them.

However, I'm being honest when I say that having kids was never in my plans. Having a career, yes. Marrying, perhaps. Being a mom, no. I knew from the time I was about four or five that I didn't want to have kids. I don't know where I got it from-- growing up in the 1950s, all I saw were stay-at-home moms. The culture insisted on it: the common wisdom said all a woman wanted in life was a husband and children. Advertisements reinforced this message constantly, showing stylishly-dressed, beautiful women smiling as they vacuumed, happily showing their daughters (never their sons) how to do housework. 

In the 50s, women were told it was an either-or situation. Either have a career or have a family. It could not be both. In fact, there were serious discussions about whether going to college was useful for a woman, since no man wanted a woman who was "too smart." I still remember the magazine articles that told young women to pretend they didn't know anything about [pick a subject,] or to intentionally lose at bowling so that the guy they were dating wouldn't feel threatened. Everyone knew that men didn't want a woman who was good at sports; such a woman was unfeminine, a tomboy. And as for those women who wanted a career? They were just bitter "old maids," or "spinsters," ugly women who probably couldn't get a husband anyway. 

Ah, the good old days: I can still remember how the kids at school told me I was ugly. I was mocked for being "different" because I wanted to go into broadcasting. I was told that girls should only be teachers or nurses or secretaries, and they should quit their job the moment they got married. None of that appealed to me. I wanted to go to college. I wanted to be a deejay. I wanted to find some folks I could talk sports with. I hoped to find true love someday, but I had no interest in having kids. I liked kids. I enjoyed reading them stories or babysitting them. But I could not imagine myself having any. 

I didn't know back then that about 10-12% of the population is childless by choice. It was always framed in the ads and on TV and in movies as a tragic situation, something that could ruin a woman's life. There were so many plots about women who could not have children, and in all of them, the woman was the object of pity, devastated by her inability to have a baby. I don't recall any plots where the woman couldn't have kids and was fine about it. 

But I was fine about it, even if I didn't know anyone else who shared my views. To this day, I still think it's a wise woman who knows herself, and if having kids is not right for her, she should not be shamed or mocked. I am always annoyed whenever a politician or a commentator insults women who are childless. I see it more often than I should. A 2021 quote from J.D. Vance is being recycled: he mocked Kamala Harris for not having kids (newsflash: like me, she is a step-mom). And once again, there are folks repeating the claim that only women who have (biological) kids are "normal."

I will leave it to you, dear reader, to decide if I'm normal. But I do know that I've never regretted my decision. I've spent years as a teacher, a tutor, a volunteer, a story-lady... I'm around kids all the time. Frankly, I've always thought we as a society should take care of the kids who are already here before we add more, but that's a conversation for another day. The conversation for today is this: there are many wonderful moms out there, and I salute them. But there are also many women who, for whatever reason, do not have kids. So what? My hat's off to the step-moms, the mentors, the foster parents, the women who adopt, and yes, the women who have decided that kids just aren't for them. Personally, I think the world would be a much better place if some folks would stop passing judgment and minding everyone's business. And in 2024, we shouldn't still be implying that only the women who have kids are contributing to society. There are many possible ways to contribute-- having kids is only one of them.