In Praise of Childless Cat Ladies

Let me first set the record straight: I do not have a cat. In fact, I'm allergic to cats. Also dogs. Some of my friends have pets, but they kindly keep their pets away from me so that I won't break out in a rash. That said, let's get to the matter at hand: yes, it's true, I am childless. Well, actually it's not entirely true: when my husband and I got married, he had two kids from his first marriage. So, I became a step-mom. I don't know if I did a good job of it. It was an unexpected situation for me, and I'm sure I made my share of mistakes. But I tried my best, and I'm glad my step-daughters are living their best lives. That's all I ever wished for them.

However, I'm being honest when I say that having kids was never in my plans. Having a career, yes. Marrying, perhaps. Being a mom, no. I knew from the time I was about four or five that I didn't want to have kids. I don't know where I got it from-- growing up in the 1950s, all I saw were stay-at-home moms. The culture insisted on it: the common wisdom said all a woman wanted in life was a husband and children. Advertisements reinforced this message constantly, showing stylishly-dressed, beautiful women smiling as they vacuumed, happily showing their daughters (never their sons) how to do housework. 

In the 50s, women were told it was an either-or situation. Either have a career or have a family. It could not be both. In fact, there were serious discussions about whether going to college was useful for a woman, since no man wanted a woman who was "too smart." I still remember the magazine articles that told young women to pretend they didn't know anything about [pick a subject,] or to intentionally lose at bowling so that the guy they were dating wouldn't feel threatened. Everyone knew that men didn't want a woman who was good at sports; such a woman was unfeminine, a tomboy. And as for those women who wanted a career? They were just bitter "old maids," or "spinsters," ugly women who probably couldn't get a husband anyway. 

Ah, the good old days: I can still remember how the kids at school told me I was ugly. I was mocked for being "different" because I wanted to go into broadcasting. I was told that girls should only be teachers or nurses or secretaries, and they should quit their job the moment they got married. None of that appealed to me. I wanted to go to college. I wanted to be a deejay. I wanted to find some folks I could talk sports with. I hoped to find true love someday, but I had no interest in having kids. I liked kids. I enjoyed reading them stories or babysitting them. But I could not imagine myself having any. 

I didn't know back then that about 10-12% of the population is childless by choice. It was always framed in the ads and on TV and in movies as a tragic situation, something that could ruin a woman's life. There were so many plots about women who could not have children, and in all of them, the woman was the object of pity, devastated by her inability to have a baby. I don't recall any plots where the woman couldn't have kids and was fine about it. 

But I was fine about it, even if I didn't know anyone else who shared my views. To this day, I still think it's a wise woman who knows herself, and if having kids is not right for her, she should not be shamed or mocked. I am always annoyed whenever a politician or a commentator insults women who are childless. I see it more often than I should. A 2021 quote from J.D. Vance is being recycled: he mocked Kamala Harris for not having kids (newsflash: like me, she is a step-mom). And once again, there are folks repeating the claim that only women who have (biological) kids are "normal."

I will leave it to you, dear reader, to decide if I'm normal. But I do know that I've never regretted my decision. I've spent years as a teacher, a tutor, a volunteer, a story-lady... I'm around kids all the time. Frankly, I've always thought we as a society should take care of the kids who are already here before we add more, but that's a conversation for another day. The conversation for today is this: there are many wonderful moms out there, and I salute them. But there are also many women who, for whatever reason, do not have kids. So what? My hat's off to the step-moms, the mentors, the foster parents, the women who adopt, and yes, the women who have decided that kids just aren't for them. Personally, I think the world would be a much better place if some folks would stop passing judgment and minding everyone's business. And in 2024, we shouldn't still be implying that only the women who have kids are contributing to society. There are many possible ways to contribute-- having kids is only one of them.